I’ve been the one who stayed. The one who chose the person even when the situation was hard, confusing, or unsteady. For a long time, I didn’t realize that what felt natural to me wasn’t always mutual. I thought commitment was just how love was done. That presence, loyalty, and steadiness were the baseline- not something exceptional. It took time to understand that while I was making a Vow, the other person was often still negotiating a Deal. You keep showing up, believing depth will eventually be met with depth. You stay open while the other stays careful. You offer certainty while the other keeps options
The line about armor hit deeply. I’ve watched people call their emotional distance “being careful,” while I stood there unarmored, fully present. I didn’t need guarantees to commit- I needed honesty. And what hurts isn’t that someone can’t offer a Vow, but that they accept one without ever intending to return it
What I yearn for now isn’t intensity or promises. It’s reciprocity. To finally be met by someone who doesn’t treat love like a performance review. Someone who doesn’t keep one hand on the exit while taking comfort in my staying. I want to rest inside a relationship where I don’t have to prove my worth to be chosen again and again
This is so well written! I hope more people can read this. New subscriber here, looking forward to more!
Thank you for sharing something so personal, Vanessa - it takes courage to name your experience so clearly.
What you're describing - staying open while the other stays careful, offering certainty while they keep options - that's the exact asymmetry I was trying to find language for in the piece with the Hollow Vow. And "treating love like a performance review" is a phrase I wish I'd written. It really captures what it feels like to have to re-audition instead of simply being chosen.
The yearning you describe - to rest inside a relationship, to be met - is what I think most people actually want. They've just been taught to call it "too much."
Really glad this resonated. Thank you for the kind words, and welcome!
I agree completely and actually this is one of the reasons I believe so much in marriage so people aren’t just in a “well it works for me now” frame of mind. An old friend who hasnt lived near me in a long time (honestly like a lot of my vow friendships) called me the same day you wrote this to catch up and I was talking to her about it and finished off the convo with a reminder she’s a vow friend. We were both discussing how at this chapter of our lives it feels hard to find more vow friendships - just 1 or 2. It felt easier when we were younger, without kids, and now that our kids are growing many of those friends have migrated. It feels like unless you are friends with your kids friends parents there isnt much space or time to find more - and less of a desire because kids fill that. For me, now that they have become more independent, I feel more lonely and yearn for a friendship like that where the person lives close by and we have time for each other to build that magic. I am so curious to know how your lifestyle has worked for or against the creation of the sacred vow relationships. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for engaging with the piece so deeply, Cara! I really resonate with what you said about the friendship chapter feeling harder now. My view is that it still happens the same way - repeated contact, reaching across, building through the small moments. It's just that certain environments and life stages make that reaching harder to sustain.
For me, it's felt more like circumstances than lifestyle. The places I've lived as an adult - large, pricey, coastal metro areas - tend to enable & reward transient, individualist culture, and then the people who move feel mimetic pressure to act like those around them ("we absorb the people around us", and all that). I've felt that acutely - in some ways, I've always resisted it, and in other ways, it's seeped through, and I'm working to change it. I sometimes like to joke that I'm "spiritually Midwestern" :)
What I've learned is that Vows don't happen by accident. My own Vow friendships survived only because we kept reaching across distance and hard seasons. And some surroundings make that reaching much harder than others. You're right about geographic migration - that's one of the forces working against all of us.
Thanks again for reading and sharing your reflection.
I’ve been the one who stayed. The one who chose the person even when the situation was hard, confusing, or unsteady. For a long time, I didn’t realize that what felt natural to me wasn’t always mutual. I thought commitment was just how love was done. That presence, loyalty, and steadiness were the baseline- not something exceptional. It took time to understand that while I was making a Vow, the other person was often still negotiating a Deal. You keep showing up, believing depth will eventually be met with depth. You stay open while the other stays careful. You offer certainty while the other keeps options
The line about armor hit deeply. I’ve watched people call their emotional distance “being careful,” while I stood there unarmored, fully present. I didn’t need guarantees to commit- I needed honesty. And what hurts isn’t that someone can’t offer a Vow, but that they accept one without ever intending to return it
What I yearn for now isn’t intensity or promises. It’s reciprocity. To finally be met by someone who doesn’t treat love like a performance review. Someone who doesn’t keep one hand on the exit while taking comfort in my staying. I want to rest inside a relationship where I don’t have to prove my worth to be chosen again and again
This is so well written! I hope more people can read this. New subscriber here, looking forward to more!
Thank you for sharing something so personal, Vanessa - it takes courage to name your experience so clearly.
What you're describing - staying open while the other stays careful, offering certainty while they keep options - that's the exact asymmetry I was trying to find language for in the piece with the Hollow Vow. And "treating love like a performance review" is a phrase I wish I'd written. It really captures what it feels like to have to re-audition instead of simply being chosen.
The yearning you describe - to rest inside a relationship, to be met - is what I think most people actually want. They've just been taught to call it "too much."
Really glad this resonated. Thank you for the kind words, and welcome!
Grateful to have found your work and excited to read more!
I agree completely and actually this is one of the reasons I believe so much in marriage so people aren’t just in a “well it works for me now” frame of mind. An old friend who hasnt lived near me in a long time (honestly like a lot of my vow friendships) called me the same day you wrote this to catch up and I was talking to her about it and finished off the convo with a reminder she’s a vow friend. We were both discussing how at this chapter of our lives it feels hard to find more vow friendships - just 1 or 2. It felt easier when we were younger, without kids, and now that our kids are growing many of those friends have migrated. It feels like unless you are friends with your kids friends parents there isnt much space or time to find more - and less of a desire because kids fill that. For me, now that they have become more independent, I feel more lonely and yearn for a friendship like that where the person lives close by and we have time for each other to build that magic. I am so curious to know how your lifestyle has worked for or against the creation of the sacred vow relationships. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for engaging with the piece so deeply, Cara! I really resonate with what you said about the friendship chapter feeling harder now. My view is that it still happens the same way - repeated contact, reaching across, building through the small moments. It's just that certain environments and life stages make that reaching harder to sustain.
For me, it's felt more like circumstances than lifestyle. The places I've lived as an adult - large, pricey, coastal metro areas - tend to enable & reward transient, individualist culture, and then the people who move feel mimetic pressure to act like those around them ("we absorb the people around us", and all that). I've felt that acutely - in some ways, I've always resisted it, and in other ways, it's seeped through, and I'm working to change it. I sometimes like to joke that I'm "spiritually Midwestern" :)
What I've learned is that Vows don't happen by accident. My own Vow friendships survived only because we kept reaching across distance and hard seasons. And some surroundings make that reaching much harder than others. You're right about geographic migration - that's one of the forces working against all of us.
Thanks again for reading and sharing your reflection.
Well I’ll take that kind bid to “fly over country”!